I've been umming and arrhing about this post for a while but decided it's better to get it out in the open and face reality with you, ... the rest of reality. I wrote this post because I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. So here goes:
It began last week when I took all the kids by myself to the shopping centre. All was well and we even had a free Santa photo and a few hours later I should have just gone home.
Instead, I decided to take a quick duck into Aldi and that's when the stares happened.
My eldest son (5.5yrs) started to whinge and cry. He was loud(ish) and people started to look.
This nice lady carrying a load of blown up balloons from Jetts thought it might be nice if they all got to carry a balloon so each got one. If only it worked.
People stared at him. At me. One of them even swore. Out Loud no less. She cursed our Lord. I wanted to tell her to shut up.
Then while we lined up at the check out he kept going and I told him to stop but of course he didn't.
The lady at the front stared at him in disbelief. She kept staring most of the time. Probably wondering why my insistently pleads for him to stop crying weren't working on my tired little boy. The youngest boy in the pram was smacking the customer in the front with the stick that holds those big balloons. The balloon had fallen off and I couldn't take the stick away from him. That would have started his crying and everyone would have to put up with both my boys.
This nice old man asked my boy what was wrong. He said he was just tired and no-one was listening to him. I managed a smile and perhaps even that lady smiled a little. But the straw on my back was broken. I went home feeling like something was wrong.
On Sunday I had my final meltdown. My depression had hit me and I had to face the facts that life is not so dandy afterall. Luckily hubby is very cluey on these things and asked me about it. The tears fell and I managed to open up about it. Depression is different to being just sad. It's because you've hid a lot of your emotions for so long that you can no longer hold it together. You feel like you've failed and you wonder how you will enjoy the things you use to enjoy doing and get on with life again. You feel a bit afraid to open up, maybe you feel ashamed or confused or guilty. Or all of the above. It's ok to feel that way.
Did you know that 1 in 5 women in Australia will experience depression and 1 in 3 women will experience anxiety in their lifetime! - Source Beyond Blue website.
But there's help. You are not alone and for me I will be praying a lot more for help. I like the Beyond Blue web site. It's a good place to start.
So there. I said it and I know it's going to get better. I trust that it will. For starters, there's chocolate in my handbag and I'm going to start with that!!!